Still Standing {4 Months}

Tomorrow, June 6, marks exactly four months since my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks.

I am linking up with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine, an online magazine dedicated to embracing life after loss & infertility.  On the first Tuesday of each month, women like me are encouraged to share where they are in their journey of grief or where they are in their journey towards motherhood.  As I have been struggling with how or when to tell my story here, this gave me the perfect opening to start the discussion.

On February 6, my miscarriage is the devastating end to our hopes & dreams of expanding our family.

Four months later . . .

I wake up & I count my blessings.  I may not be six months pregnant but I am blessed.  My husband is strong & true.  Our pup is silly & sweet.  Our home is warm & comforting.  Our family & friends are the best.  As if all this weren't enough, I have my health, my happiness, my hope.

I'm out of bed & ready to start my day.  Small victories.

I head outside to take Bailey on his first walk.  We live in a small, pedestrian-friendly city full of young families.  On the average walk, we pass no less than 10 moms pushing their babies in strollers.  I say "God Bless" to myself at the sight of each & every one to stave off the sadness.  It works.  

So far, so good.  Three cheers for me.

I slowly approach our condo building as Bailey's walk comes to an end.  I may go inside, ride the elevator & make it to our condo without seeing another soul.  Or I may run into a neighbor Mom with her cute baby & be subjected to cooing over the baby's latest & greatest.  Oh, please, please spare me chatting with our next-door neighbor who is due one week before our baby would have been born.  My chances are 50/50.

Breathe.  The day is going so well!  God bless.         

I settle at my computer for a day's work once I'm safely home.  I am so thankful for my job as a wedding planner & wedding blogger.  There is little talk of babies in the wedding world.  There are no co-workers to chat about their babies.  I get happily lost in love & flowers & lace.

Keep that momentum going.  Go, go, go!

I take a small break before lunch to peek at my favorite blogs.  Another blogger is expecting?  God bless.  Another blogger is recapping her baby bump photos?  God bless.  I check People magazine online for my latest dose of Hollywood gossip.  Another celebrity is pregnant?  God bless.  Another celebrity has chosen a funky name for their baby?  God bless.

By lunch, my heart is exhausted.

& so it goes.  The reminders of what could have been are everywhere, no matter where I go or where I look.  Every moment of every day is a conscious decision to choose hope over heartache.  It's gotten easier, almost effortless.  Still, it remains a real effort from the moment I open my eyes to face the day until I close my eyes to dream of better days.

Because, in my heart of hearts, I believe there will be better days.  I pray & I wish & I hope that my husband & I will have our rainbow baby.  I read somewhere that it's all about the right soul at the right time.  Please let our right soul & our right time come soon.  Very, very soon.

Here are others sharing where they stand in their grief journey or motherhood journey: