{Guest Posting} Hope Over Heartache

Last week while I was in Key West for a destination wedding, something pretty big happened.  My guest post, Hope Over Heartache, was published in Still Standing Magazine.  I am beyond honored.  Almost one year ago, Still Standing encouraged women like me to share their stories.  I somehow found the courage to write & share my story of life after miscarriage.  From my first story & my following stories, I received tremendous support from family, friends, acquaintances, readers & strangers.  It was simply amazing.  Now that exact story appears on Still Standing Magazine & if it brings just one reader a little peace & comfort, then I have given something back.

In related news, National Infertility Awareness Week is taking place right now.  Its mission is to help change the conversation about infertility, bring infertility support groups to every community and increase access to all family building options.  If you or someone you know suffers from infertility, I encourage you to share National Infertility Awareness Week & Still Standing Magazine with them.  & give them a BIG hug!

If you would like to read my story of life after a miscarriage, please visit Hope Over Heartache in Still Standing Magazine.  Thank you so much from the very bottom of my heart!

Image: Still Standing Magazine

{Still Standing} Tears in the City

Last February, my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  Since then, I've been on this wild ride of finding the grace & courage to heal & try again, most of which has been documented in my monthly Still Standing posts.  Still Standing Magazine, an online magazine dedicated to embracing life after loss & infertility, hosts The Journey on the first Tuesday of each month & urges woman like me to share where they are in their journey toward motherhood.  I talked about how I felt each month after my miscarriage with 11 Months & 12 Months never being written or published because sometimes my heart just can't handle it.  Now that my miscarriage was over a year ago, I plan to keep up my monthly Still Standing posts, just with more of a free form style.

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, my husband & I tumbled out of a yellow cab onto the streets of Manhattan for our first infertility appointment.  The familiar city enveloped us quickly with its honking horns, street food smells & rush, rush, rush of people.  We walked a block or two looking for the doctor's office when I spotted them.  Everything else fell away, all I could see or hear was them.

The woman was sobbing & leaning against a wall.  The man was standing near her, whispering to her & holding her hand.  We were standing outside a hospital, she could have been crying for any number of reasons.  Perhaps a loved one received a bleak diagnosis or a loved one passed away.  But no, my heart heard & understood the sad, helpless cries of someone just like me.  Someone who wants to be a mom so badly, yet just seems to face month after month of disappointment & desperation.  My heart went out to her.

The moment came & went in mere seconds as my husband pulled me along to the doctor's office which he had finally located across the street.  Through the glass doors, up the stainless steel elevator & into the hushed world of infertility.  The waiting room was filled with woman of all shapes, sizes & colors.  Ordinary women you could easily pass on the street & never know their struggles to have a child.  Just like me.  Infertility is an invisible, yet very powerful, monster.  

Our first infertility appointment was long & thorough.  I suppose we are counted among the lucky ones.  Large ovarian cysts were found & surgery was scheduled for the cyst removal.  Costly, draining infertility treatments have been avoided.  After the surgery & proper recovery time, we were given the good, happy news that we should be able to conceive naturally.  Hope, albeit a very cautious hope, has come back into our lives; she is welcomed with open arms & hearts.

As we left that first appointment with hope gingerly blossoming in our battered hearts, I saw the crying woman & the quiet man sitting in the waiting room.  They were both silent, her eyes red & puffy, his eyes blank & distant.  I was right, my heart had recognized her cries.  

Now that we are thisclose to our dream of a rainbow baby, I think of the couple often.  I wonder if they still burst into tears on city streets or if they have their happy ending.  I pray & wish for the latter.  Wherever they may be in their journey, may comfort & hope be theirs.           

{Still Standing} 10 Months

Later this week, December 6 will mark 10 months since my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.

On the first Tuesday of each month, I link up with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine to discuss where I am on my journey towards motherhood after a devastating miscarriage last February.  No, this monthly post has nothing to do with my true passion, weddings.  But life does continue after the beautiful wedding & it's not always all sunshine & rainbows.  I have gotten through this tough time largely due to the support received, & hopefully given, from Still Standing encouraging me to share my journey.  Here I am at Month 10.

Life has been happening to keep my mind off the miscarriage & its aftermath, things like hurricanes, holidays & ovarian cysts.  Yes, ovarian cysts.  Let me back up for a moment.

After much discussion & research, my husband & I chose a new doctor who specializes in reproductive medicine.  A doctor who can help us figure out why I haven't gotten pregnant again, help me get pregnant & help me stay pregnant until the birth of our healthy rainbow baby.  That's our hope anyway.  I wasn't surprised that many others have the same hopes &, therefore, I had to wait over a month for my first appointment on the day before Thanksgiving.

While others were prepping their turkeys & dusting off their fine china, I had my first appointment which was long & thorough.  The ovarian cysts were discovered during a routine ultrasound.  I have one large & one medium cyst in my right ovary & one large cyst in my left ovary.  Their discovery explains a lot of symptoms I've experienced & blamed on other things.  These unwelcome guests must go; their eviction (surgery) is scheduled for early 2013.

We should have more answers & a better idea of what comes next after the surgery.  For this, I am thankful.  At last!  I feel confident & hopeful that we will be ready for whatever it may be.  Bring it on.  

Thus far, my journey towards motherhood has taken me down, up & all around.  Hope & grief ride the roller coaster with me, although I keep wishing grief's safety belt will break & send him crashing.  Each twist & turn brings something new, usually largely unexpected.  At this stage, I can only hold on tight & hope for the very best!

{Still Standing} 8 Months

October 6 will mark eight months since my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.

On the first Tuesday of each month, I link up with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine to discuss where I am on my journey towards motherhood after a devastating miscarriage in February.  No, this monthly post has absolutely nothing to do with my true passion, weddings.  But life does continue after the beautiful wedding & it's not always a 24/7 fairy tale.  I have gotten through this tough time largely due to the support received, & hopefully given, from Still Standing encouraging me to share my journey.  Here I am at Month 8.   

I won't sugarcoat it: September was really, really hard.  

I would say it has been the worst month since the miscarriage but I know I can only imagine saying that because time has dulled the intense pain & sadness of those first few days, weeks after the miscarriage.  Days when the only reason I got out of bed, got dressed & got out the front door is because my sweet Bailey needs his walks.  Anything else I managed to accomplish was an out & out victory.  Thank God those awful days are far behind me.

& perhaps that it what made September so difficult. 

What gave me hope in the first dark days was the inevitable fact that things had to get easier & better as time marched on.  Save a setback or two, my theory proved to be very true.  Life mercifully went on & the pain thankfully lessened.  Hope grew bigger & brighter.  So I was terribly unprepared for the sadness & gloom of September.  I thought I had come so far, leaps & bounds forward,  only to find myself falling far, far back.  It sucked.

Nothing really made me feel better.  I could find temporary comfort in my husband's smile or our dog's latest antics or other happy moments but the deep, dark sadness always returned.  Hope seemed far, far away.  Tears came fast & easy.  I began to wonder & worry about my happiness, not to mention my sanity.  

Then came an ordinary walk down the street with Bailey.  A walk we take every day, passing the same church, the very same sign.  I'd read the words quite a few times before.  For the first time, I noticed, really noticed, these simple, powerful words*:    

"Patience is trusting in God's timing."  I let those words settle in my mind & heart as the walk continued.  September was supposed to be the month we welcomed our first child into the world.  I'm sad & angry & upset that our dream resulted in a miscarriage.  But it's time to let go of my plans & accept that there is a greater plan in the works.  I have to believe that God has a plan for our family & I have to put my faith in that plan.  Patience.

Patience has brought me back to my much-needed companions on this crazy journey: hope & strength & comfort & faith. 

Whatever your troubles may be, whatever your beliefs may be, I hope "patience is trusting in God's timing" brings you peace & comfort!  

* This is not a religious post in any way, shape or form. Please replace God with Fate, Life, Glinda the Good Witch or whatever you may believe.

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Other brave women are discussing the very same thing on their blogs today & linking with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine.  Please show a little support & love for the others sharing where they stand in their grief journey or motherhood journey: 

(Blog Hop will be inserted here when it goes live- oops! We didn't get a code this month for the hop!) 

{Still Standing} 7 Months

On the first Tuesday of each month, I link up with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine to discuss where I am on my journey towards motherhood after a devastating miscarriage in February.  I hesitated to post today because I didn't want September's posts to start on anything less than a positive note.  But here I am because I committed to sharing my story & it was the best decision I made.  It started a discussion that helped heal me & maybe helped heal others.  There is no stopping now.  

Last weekend marked two major things: the unofficial end of summer & the due date of our baby.  We had the choice to celebrate the life we have or mourn the life we thought we would have before my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.  In the end, we chose a celebration.

The weekend was filled with a few of our very favorite things.  My husband, our sweet pup & I headed to the beach.  Our days included beautiful sunshine, lovely beaches, belly laughs, delicious food, good drinks & even better company.  In the midst of our celebration, our baby's due date passed on a day of sun mixed with clouds.  It added just a bit of sadness to our weekend, like the rain the sunshine needs to make a glorious rainbow.  Our rainbow is bright & vivid & strong; it's a true representation of our life.  

Farewell, Summer & Welcome, Autumn.  May you bring a huge blessing of a rainbow baby into our life!   

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Other brave women are discussing the very same thing on their blogs today & linking with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine.  Please show a little support & love for the others sharing where they stand in their grief journey or motherhood journey: 

{Still Standing} 6 Months

Yesterday, August 6, marked six months since my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks.

In some alternate reality where all my dreams come true, my husband & I would be one month away from welcoming our first child into the world.

Instead, we are here. 

Here we are battered & broken yet we are resilient & hopeful.  Here we know exactly when our dream died but we have no idea when & if our dream will begin again.  Here we are completely lost & we can't ask for directions but we believe this is the only way.  Here there is a lot of darkness yet the light, sometimes bright & sometimes dim, always shines.  Here can be very lonely but we are always together.  Here we haven't stayed long yet it seems like forever.  Here is our new home, our new reality.

We never wanted to be here.  We wouldn't wish here on our worst enemies (if we had any!).  Still, we can't complain about here because compared to much of the ugliness in this crazy world, here is practically paradise with non-stop sunshine & free-flowing tropical drinks.

I will always be hoping & wishing & praying that we find our way from here to there: having our rainbow baby.  May there be just around the corner from here!    

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On the first Tuesday of each month, I link up with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine to discuss where I am on my journey towards motherhood after a devastating miscarriage in February.  Other brave women are discussing the very same thing on their blogs today.  Please show a little support & love for the others sharing where they stand in their grief journey or motherhood journey: 

Still Standing {5 Months}

On the first Tuesday of each month, I link up with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine to discuss where I am on my journey towards motherhood after a devastating miscarriage in February.

Yesterday was my birthday, a day of celebration.  There were smiles & candles & frosting & wishes!  & I celebrate, for there is much to be thankful for in my beautiful, imperfect life.  I have hope & love in my heart.  I have big dreams that maybe, just maybe, our dreams of expanding our family will come true this year.  It's possible, anything is possible!

I can only guess as to how close or how far I am from having a baby & becoming a mom.

Until my birthday wish to have a baby comes true, I continue to wait.  It seems like I have been waiting forever & I have no idea how much longer I will have to wait.  I can't help but feel the chorus of "The Waiting" by Tom Petty is my theme song on my journey:

"The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you get one more yard
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part"

Waiting.  Still waiting.

Show a little support & love for the others sharing where they stand in their grief journey or motherhood journey:

Still Standing {4 Months}

Tomorrow, June 6, marks exactly four months since my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks.

I am linking up with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine, an online magazine dedicated to embracing life after loss & infertility.  On the first Tuesday of each month, women like me are encouraged to share where they are in their journey of grief or where they are in their journey towards motherhood.  As I have been struggling with how or when to tell my story here, this gave me the perfect opening to start the discussion.

On February 6, my miscarriage is the devastating end to our hopes & dreams of expanding our family.

Four months later . . .

I wake up & I count my blessings.  I may not be six months pregnant but I am blessed.  My husband is strong & true.  Our pup is silly & sweet.  Our home is warm & comforting.  Our family & friends are the best.  As if all this weren't enough, I have my health, my happiness, my hope.

I'm out of bed & ready to start my day.  Small victories.

I head outside to take Bailey on his first walk.  We live in a small, pedestrian-friendly city full of young families.  On the average walk, we pass no less than 10 moms pushing their babies in strollers.  I say "God Bless" to myself at the sight of each & every one to stave off the sadness.  It works.  

So far, so good.  Three cheers for me.

I slowly approach our condo building as Bailey's walk comes to an end.  I may go inside, ride the elevator & make it to our condo without seeing another soul.  Or I may run into a neighbor Mom with her cute baby & be subjected to cooing over the baby's latest & greatest.  Oh, please, please spare me chatting with our next-door neighbor who is due one week before our baby would have been born.  My chances are 50/50.

Breathe.  The day is going so well!  God bless.         

I settle at my computer for a day's work once I'm safely home.  I am so thankful for my job as a wedding planner & wedding blogger.  There is little talk of babies in the wedding world.  There are no co-workers to chat about their babies.  I get happily lost in love & flowers & lace.

Keep that momentum going.  Go, go, go!

I take a small break before lunch to peek at my favorite blogs.  Another blogger is expecting?  God bless.  Another blogger is recapping her baby bump photos?  God bless.  I check People magazine online for my latest dose of Hollywood gossip.  Another celebrity is pregnant?  God bless.  Another celebrity has chosen a funky name for their baby?  God bless.

By lunch, my heart is exhausted.

& so it goes.  The reminders of what could have been are everywhere, no matter where I go or where I look.  Every moment of every day is a conscious decision to choose hope over heartache.  It's gotten easier, almost effortless.  Still, it remains a real effort from the moment I open my eyes to face the day until I close my eyes to dream of better days.

Because, in my heart of hearts, I believe there will be better days.  I pray & I wish & I hope that my husband & I will have our rainbow baby.  I read somewhere that it's all about the right soul at the right time.  Please let our right soul & our right time come soon.  Very, very soon.

Here are others sharing where they stand in their grief journey or motherhood journey: