6.06.2012

Still Standing {4 Months}


Tomorrow, June 6, marks exactly four months since my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks.


I am linking up with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine, an online magazine dedicated to embracing life after loss & infertility.  On the first Tuesday of each month, women like me are encouraged to share where they are in their journey of grief or where they are in their journey towards motherhood.  As I have been struggling with how or when to tell my story here, this gave me the perfect opening to start the discussion.

On February 6, my miscarriage is the devastating end to our hopes & dreams of expanding our family.

Four months later . . .

I wake up & I count my blessings.  I may not be six months pregnant but I am blessed.  My husband is strong & true.  Our pup is silly & sweet.  Our home is warm & comforting.  Our family & friends are the best.  As if all this weren't enough, I have my health, my happiness, my hope.

I'm out of bed & ready to start my day.  Small victories.

I head outside to take Bailey on his first walk.  We live in a small, pedestrian-friendly city full of young families.  On the average walk, we pass no less than 10 moms pushing their babies in strollers.  I say "God Bless" to myself at the sight of each & every one to stave off the sadness.  It works.  

So far, so good.  Three cheers for me.

I slowly approach our condo building as Bailey's walk comes to an end.  I may go inside, ride the elevator & make it to our condo without seeing another soul.  Or I may run into a neighbor Mom with her cute baby & be subjected to cooing over the baby's latest & greatest.  Oh, please, please spare me chatting with our next-door neighbor who is due one week before our baby would have been born.  My chances are 50/50.

Breathe.  The day is going so well!  God bless.         

I settle at my computer for a day's work once I'm safely home.  I am so thankful for my job as a wedding planner & wedding blogger.  There is little talk of babies in the wedding world.  There are no co-workers to chat about their babies.  I get happily lost in love & flowers & lace.

Keep that momentum going.  Go, go, go!

I take a small break before lunch to peek at my favorite blogs.  Another blogger is expecting?  God bless.  Another blogger is recapping her baby bump photos?  God bless.  I check People magazine online for my latest dose of Hollywood gossip.  Another celebrity is pregnant?  God bless.  Another celebrity has chosen a funky name for their baby?  God bless.

By lunch, my heart is exhausted.

& so it goes.  The reminders of what could have been are everywhere, no matter where I go or where I look.  Every moment of every day is a conscious decision to choose hope over heartache.  It's gotten easier, almost effortless.  Still, it remains a real effort from the moment I open my eyes to face the day until I close my eyes to dream of better days.

Because, in my heart of hearts, I believe there will be better days.  I pray & I wish & I hope that my husband & I will have our rainbow baby.  I read somewhere that it's all about the right soul at the right time.  Please let our right soul & our right time come soon.  Very, very soon.

Here are others sharing where they stand in their grief journey or motherhood journey:

   

15 comments:

  1. Kate, Thank you for sharing your story. You are such a strong, inspiring woman. My prayers go out to you and your husband!

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    1. Oh, you are so, so kind, Libby. I appreciate those prayers so much!!

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  2. This is a testament to what a strong woman you are! This story is beautiful, and boy do I understand "small victories."

    Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. As always, thank you for reading. Each of us have our troubles & those small victories are to be celebrated!!

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  3. Kate, your story is so real and honest. I commend you for having the courage to share this with your readers. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way!

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  4. My heart is breaking in a million peices for you. I have never been through a miscarriage so I can't even begin to imagine how you must have felt and are feeling. You are amazingly strong to share this with all of us and I know you will help so many people who are reading and have been through something similiar. Thinking of you today and in the future

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    1. Thank you so much for reading & commenting on this post! I hope it will reach others & bring them comfort.

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  5. Kate, I am in tears at my computer. Thank you for being so brave, so honest, and so true to your experience. Lots of love.

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    1. No tears! Life is still good & beautiful. All the best to you always!!

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  6. Thank you for your words...so honest, real, and true. Your heart is evident in this post. I am so sorry for the hurt, the ache, the reminders everywhere...of others celebrating the joy you long for. I get it. And, I love the conscious decision you make with each moment to choose hope. Hoping with you...and praying for you.

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  7. Thank you so much for reading & commenting. &, most of all, thank you for your prayers- they mean so much & they are appreciated!!

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  8. If you ever need to talk I am there for you. I suffered a miscarriage before Billy and it completely disoriented me. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

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Hi, Lovely! Your kind comments are most welcome & always appreciated. XOXO

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