October 6 will mark eight months since my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.
On the first Tuesday of each month, I link up with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine to discuss where I am on my journey towards motherhood after a devastating miscarriage in February. No, this monthly post has absolutely nothing to do with my true passion, weddings. But life does continue after the beautiful wedding & it's not always a 24/7 fairy tale. I have gotten through this tough time largely due to the support received, & hopefully given, from Still Standing encouraging me to share my journey. Here I am at Month 8.
I won't sugarcoat it: September was really, really hard.
I would say it has been the worst month since the miscarriage but I know I can only imagine saying that because time has dulled the intense pain & sadness of those first few days, weeks after the miscarriage. Days when the only reason I got out of bed, got dressed & got out the front door is because my sweet Bailey needs his walks. Anything else I managed to accomplish was an out & out victory. Thank God those awful days are far behind me.
& perhaps that it what made September so difficult.
What gave me hope in the first dark days was the inevitable fact that things had to get easier & better as time marched on. Save a setback or two, my theory proved to be very true. Life mercifully went on & the pain thankfully lessened. Hope grew bigger & brighter. So I was terribly unprepared for the sadness & gloom of September. I thought I had come so far, leaps & bounds forward, only to find myself falling far, far back. It sucked.
Nothing really made me feel better. I could find temporary comfort in my husband's smile or our dog's latest antics or other happy moments but the deep, dark sadness always returned. Hope seemed far, far away. Tears came fast & easy. I began to wonder & worry about my happiness, not to mention my sanity.
Then came an ordinary walk down the street with Bailey. A walk we take every day, passing the same church, the very same sign. I'd read the words quite a few times before. For the first time, I noticed, really noticed, these simple, powerful words*:
"Patience is trusting in God's timing." I let those words settle in my mind & heart as the walk continued. September was supposed to be the month we welcomed our first child into the world. I'm sad & angry & upset that our dream resulted in a miscarriage. But it's time to let go of my plans & accept that there is a greater plan in the works. I have to believe that God has a plan for our family & I have to put my faith in that plan. Patience.
Patience has brought me back to my much-needed companions on this crazy journey: hope & strength & comfort & faith.
Whatever your troubles may be, whatever your beliefs may be, I hope "patience is trusting in God's timing" brings you peace & comfort!
* This is not a religious post in any way, shape or form. Please replace God with Fate, Life, Glinda the Good Witch or whatever you may believe.
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Other brave women are discussing the very same thing on their blogs today & linking with The Journey at Still Standing Magazine. Please show a little support & love for the others sharing where they stand in their grief journey or motherhood journey:
(Blog Hop will be inserted here when it goes live- oops! We didn't get a code this month for the hop!)